K'Klaw #2

Here is some more!


“Well,” exclaimed Xaltotun, “quite a place you’ve got here.” K’Klaw’s gills flared. “Why, th-th-thank-you,” he stammered, appreciative of a compliment by a 3000 year old mummy. “Now, why don’t we start with our plans for world conquest?” Xaltotun continued. “Sure,” K’Klaw replied, eager to begin the process of total domination over this puny planet and her even punier non-clam monsterish peoples.

Meanwhile, in the jungles of Venezuela, Conan found himself trailing a mighty beast. For days, he had struggled to keep up, swinging from vines Tarzan style and negotiating narrow gorges with the hope of catching this elusive being. “Slow down bitch!” he yelled, the sound permeating the trees and scaring off nearby animals. With this, the shadowy figure ahead stopped dead in its tracks and slowly turned to face Conan. “Oh shit!” he thought, realising it was a mistake to mess with such a mighty adversary. But alas, the damage had been done. The figure stepped forth into the light, revealing herself as a stunning Amazonian warrior. “Fuck you, cunt!” she relied. “You think you’re all that, swingin’ round like you’re fuckin’ Tarzan. Well, you aren’t, so just fuck off back to whatever eon you crawled out of!” “How dare you dismiss me,” Conan began, once again realising what a fool he was for questioning his better, “I am Conan, mighty king of the beasts, and you are nothing but a woman. Now return the prize which you stole from me!”

There was a moment of silence, but it was evident that the woman with the blood red hair and poisoned tongue was infuriated. “Now look here bub, I don’t give a flying fuck who you are, and there’s no way I’m giving back those shoes! For I am the Amazonian queen, and fashion is paramount in our culture. I am Rebecca, hear me roar! Now fuck off home to your mama and cry yourself to sleep!”

Conan lunged, only to be knocked out with a single swipe from the sassy heroine. “Teach him to fuck around with grown ups,” she said.

Back at their undersea sanctuary, Xaltotun and K’Klaw worked out the final minor kinks in their plan. “This plan is fant-t-tastic,” K’Klaw stuttered. “Yes, most ingenious,” Xaltotun agreed. “Now, allow me to re-explain it fully for nothing else than the sake of doing so.” “Wow, Xaltotun,” commented K’Klaw, before Xaltotun had the chance to start, “You really are a weird character.” “Silence!” interrupted Xaltotun, outraged that his explanation was left un-exclaimed. “Now, for the plan. First, you head into town, causing major destruction with some sort of giant robot in the shape of a huge clam. That should bring Conan round to stop you. Meanwhile, I’ll head off to Venezuela to search for an ancient amulet I left in a locker there 3000 years ago. With Conan distracted, there’ll be no-one there to stop me. Once the amulet is mine I’ll bring it back here and use it’s power to raise this humble abode from the ocean depths and world conquest will be ours. Then, when all is said and done, I’ll kill you and rule over the planet myself.” “K’Klaw doesn’t like that last part,” K’Klaw interjected, referring to himself in third person. “Oops,” Xaltotun said, choosing not to exclaim, “I was only meant to think that part or whisper it to the reader in secret, forget you ever heard it. In-fact, I’ll go back now and cross it out, just like it never existed.”

“Good, it’s done, and you’ll be none the wiser.” “None the wiser to what?” K’Klaw questioned. “To my plot to kill you…DAMN!” “Hey, what’s all that stuff that’s been c-c-crossed out?” “Nothing, just go and…eat some…krill, yeah, that’ll do.” “K’Klaw exited the room, muttering, “Fuc-c-cked up un-dead bastard. Going insane. But it’s ok, once we take over the world I’ll k-k-kill him, then K’Klaw will be in charge.”

And so the plot was set in motion. Join us next week for the exciting third instalment of The Marvellous Voyage of K’Klaw and Xaltotun: Journey to the Edges of the Earth, where Xaltotun tries his hand at baking a cake, with hilarious results.

Till then, children, goodbyeeeee.